The Call of Awareness

I am not as I think I am.

I don't believe myself to be an angry person, but today there was a moment, a presence, a feeling that shattered this illusion. It wasn't a dramatic experience.  The gates didn't burst open. The demons didn't spill out. But, there was a small fire...I felt it and really acknowledged it. And I wondered, how long have I been tending these embers; how much of who I truly am has it burned away; and most importantly, WHY the hell is it there?!

Questions which are so important for me to explore and discover--not just for my well-being but for the sister, daughter, wife, friend, neighbor, artist, poet, writer, hiker (etc...etc...) that I am. I guess journeys are not always meant to be easy breezy.

Yes, I felt a moment of anger. And, later in this very same day I also experienced moments of wonder--the call of a blue jay outside my window; the sound the leaves made when the wind brushed them from a tree and all at once they danced and swirled their way to the earth.

So for each of these moments, I give my thanks to being present today.

Journal Blessings!

I finally broke down and gave in to the Moleskine journal.

You may ask, "Why so resistant?"

In my attempts to be "green" I noticed all the paper I already have around my house. I have water color books in varying sizes, I have scrap paper, I have cardstock I can gesso over, and on and on. I didn't think I needed to go out and buy another version of something I already have so much of.

But slowly and surely, I came to find I was finding it challenging to cover a whole 15" x 20" page of watercolor paper. Sometimes just staring at the landscape of all that whiteness was overwhelmingly daunting.

I decided I would venture over to Barnes & Noble--just to look. I mean, I didn't understand why everyone cherished them so. A friendly clerk led me to the Moleskine shrine. She said she didn't know how to actually pronounce the name either. And after a little chatting we found out that almost every clerk at that store said it a different way. "MOLE-skin," "Mo-LE-skine," "Mole-SKEEN"--they all sound good to me.

Anywho--I opened up the one journal that wasn't shrink wrapped. Thank goodness! It allowed me to run my fingers across the soft, creamy-colored pages of card stock. Not too stiff, not too thick. The size was petite (a 5" x 8-1/2" compared to my monster watercolor paper) and in it I felt a sense of hope.

I purchased it and brought it home with me. Right away I felt this strong sense to bless it which I did by opening it up , laying objects of importance on it (natural elements always speak to me), and vocally telling it what I hoped to discover in myself by journaling on it's pages.

Long-story-short--Moleskine and I are now happily ever after!